Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital (Humor)

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
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If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly.
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If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
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If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
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If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
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If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
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If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
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If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
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If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
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If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
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If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
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If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u- l-l-y press 0 0 0.
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If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.